From Mr No Boundaries to Miss I Can’t Keep My Clothes On... You’ve seen them, you’ve worked out next to them, you’ve b*tched about them, hell, you’re probably one of them.
1. The Latecomer
Walks in ten minutes late with a venti starbucks and a human-sized Louis Vuitton in hand. Takes 5 minutes to fill up a water bottle, a further 5 to finish an email, and leaves 5 minutes early because of ‘parking’.
Just FYI, showing up isn’t enough. Paying for a class, booking a class, turning up to a class, checking in on Facebook, doesn’t get you the results. You actually have to do the work. Sorry.
2. The Mr Know It All
The show off. The guy that doesn't follow instruction. If everyone else is doing single-leg squats this guy is hanging off the ceiling with one arm and one leg behind his head. If everyone else is climbing out of the saddle, this absolute lad is sprinting in his saddle like his life depends on it. This chap annoys everyone around him. This is the man that thinks he knows better. This man will get injured at some point.
If this is you, do yourself, your bank balance, your instructor and your fellow team a favour and train alone.
3. The Complainer
This person always has something to complain about. It’s too hot. It’s too cold. It’s too hard. It’s too easy. The room just looks too nice.
Until you can motivate yourself keep your mouth shut.
4. The Texter
You’re not that busy. You’re not that important.
Unless you have a legit excuse for needing your phone by your side (and you’ve told the instructor) PUT IT AWAY. You can post your f*ckin selfie once you’re finished.
Using your phone during class is disrespectful, off-putting and down right stupid if you’ve paid £20.00 to work out.
5. The Hoarder
They need one of everything. Dumbbells, mats, balls, bands, towels, in every shape, size and colour. Oh, and the entire front row.
If you stand next to this person and try and ‘share’ some mirror space I applaud you. You’re brave.
6. The Mr/Ms No Boundaries
Every week you get your ass out of bed early, you get to the studio 20 minutes before your class JUST to save that sweet spot in the front row. And every week, Ms Lululemon waltzes in just in the nick of time, smiles apologetically and plonks her perfect butt and stupid long legs right in front of you.
NO IT’S NOT OKAY
YOU DO THIS EVERY WEEK
I GOT HERE EARLY
YOU DON’T EVEN NEED TO BE HERE
YOU STUPID PERFECT GIRAFFE.
7. The Stinker
If you can afford gym membership, if you can afford to pay for your swanky luxe fitness class, and if you can splurge half a week's rent on some mushed up fermented cucumber in a bottle, you can afford deodorant. Be considerate.
P.S Ladies, smashing an entire bottle of Coco Mademoiselle before your workout is not sexy. It’s migraine inducing.
8. The Exhibitionist/ AKA Miss No Clothes
I get it, moisturising is important. Exfoliating is important. But must you do that in my face? Must you get stark naked in the changing room, prop one leg up on a bench and proceed to tell me about your new diet, your new training programme, your horrific first date?
I admire the self confidence, I really do. That deadpan expression? Honestly, I'm in awe. But I can’t pretend that your bits aren't in my face. I’m just not as cool as you. Get some knickers on and then we can have a lovely chat.
9. The Uninvited Expert
‘If you point your toes that way you’ll engage more of your glutes,' or 'You should really eat your carbs after your workout'.
Thanks but I like my underactive glutes and I like being fat.
10. The Bad Instructor
And last but not least, let’s not forget The Bad Instructor. The worst person you’ll ever meet in your gym class. Why? Because this person is in charge. This person is responsible for your workout and for motivating you to achieve your very best.
Ever walked out of a class feeling disappointed, frustrated, maybe even fuming? Ever arrived to find your usual favourite instructor has been replaced with someone else? That sense of impending doom when you realise the next 55 minutes is going to be the longest of your life. And it’s too late to escape because she’s seen you. You’re f*cked. You’re in prison with Susie who looks like she's going to be as motivating as watching paint dry.
If this hasn't happened already, at some point in your life, you may come across The Bad Instructor. And you’ll know when you meet one because they’re just that bad.
- He/she is unprepared
- He/she won’t shut the f*ck up about their personal life (at £0.34 per minute WE DON’T CARE about your housemate Susie. Start the f*ckin class)
- He/she doesn’t bother greeting clients
- He/she can’t count for sh*t (well that was the longest 30 seconds in the history of the world)
- He/she doesn't know their own choreography
- He/she think it’s acceptable to single out clients and publicly criticise technique & performance
- He/she offers no modifications or regressions because you should just be able to handle it you know? And if you can’t...well get out.
- He/she keeps shouting stupid sh*t like ‘Sweat is fat crying!’ or ‘You’ll never regret a workout!’ TOO LATE SUSIE. TOO LATE.
- It’s really clear that he/she does not want to be there
- He/she is actually drunk.
If you’re an instructor, don’t be Susie. If you’re a newbie to a class, don’t turn up late. If you sweat a lot, feel free to take a shower before your class. If you’re a model, please check to see if your leggings are see-through.If you turn up late to class with a coffee in your hand, well, I swear to God that Almond Milk latte had better be for me.
Just do us all a favour and don’t be that guy.
Stay strong, stay sassy & don’t take an intra-workout selfie. Ban x
This post is a source of parody, satire, and humour and is for entertainment only. All opinions reflect those of the author all of which are 100% correct.